It’s the kind of banner headline that catches my attention and stops me cold: “How to Save a Sad, Lonely, Angry and Mean Society.”
It tops a compelling essay by the conservative New York Times columnist David Brooks. Long one of my favorites, he well argues that consuming culture bathes the human mind with emotional knowledge and wisdom.
Consuming art, music, literature, and the rest of what we call culture, Mr. Brooks writes, provides richer, more meaningful perspectives of our own experiences. The relics and artifacts of culture – however crude or lavish – help you and me understand, at least a bit, the depths of despair in which too many neighbors dwell daily.
Among the solid evidence to validate his engaging argument, Mr. Brooks lifts up an epic painting, “The Return of the Prodigal Son,” by the 17th century Dutch artist Rembrandt van Rijn. Painted in his final years of earthly life, when popular taste had left him far behind, Rembrandt’s finances were in ruins; his wife and four of his five children were dead and buried.
From the depths of such utter brokenness, Rembrandt imagines the rebel son:
So fragile, so pathetic, nearly bald and surely cast down; a miserable, forlorn sad-sack if there ever was one.
Infused into his father’s loving hospitality are strong hints of patience, selflessness, forbearance. And look closely at the old man’s hands. One is masculine, protective; the other feminine, nurturing.
No doubt this artwork faithfully portrays a well-known Gospel parable. But Rembrandt intends not to preach but to invite. He beckons our witness to a profoundly emotional moment of fracture and redemption: An aging artist delivering a scene in which he imagines all his losses restored and all his debts paid. The view serves up a sweet morsel of finally realizing your deepest yearnings – for forgiveness, safety, reconciliation, home; blessed relief and blessed rest.
Meanwhile, the son’s older brother endures offside, his face tense and taut, lost in complex thoughts – perhaps rigid scorn trying to stifle any inkling of brotherly compassion and tenderness, never recognizing the ever-present reality that holding a grudge never ends well!
Listen to the living Word of God first from the Gospel of Matthew. Jesus is speaking to his disciples –
“Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”
Then the apostle Peter came and said, “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” Jesus replied, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.” (Matthew 18:19-22)
To that scene Luke’s Gospel adds some important details –
Jesus told his disciples, “It is inevitable that stumbling blocks should come, but woe to him through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should cause one of these little ones to stumble.
“Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.
And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”
The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!” And the Lord said, “If you had faith like a mustard seed, you would say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and be planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you.” (Luke 17:1-6)
In the distant or recent past, someone hurt you. Someone “done you wrong.”
Maybe they made fun of your clothing, or how you style your hair. At work they threw you under the bus, and now you’re the fall guy for that costly manufacturing snafu. At school they bullied, mocked, labeled, and excluded. They still talk about that time in third grade when you bent over and split open the seat of your forest-green corduroy pants.
Through it all you felt shame, disgrace, unworthy of love. Now maybe years have passed since those moments of infamy, but to this day mere remembrance still makes your blood boil. You’re holding a grudge. And you’re not the only one.
According to the great minds who study such things, the average adult holds seven grudges at once. Most commonly, such intense bitterness arises from betrayal, false accusation, childhood trauma, lending an item and not getting it back, and someone taking credit for something rightly yours.
Grudges definitely have the power to damage and even destroy relationships. But they more likely do more harm to the one bearing the burden of resentment! Studies suggest that grudge-induced stress triggers heart problems, high blood pressure, weakened immunity, anxiety, and depression. Explains one psychotherapist:
“When we hold onto grudges and resentment, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. It causes us to carry negative, tense energy in our biology.”
Here are a few symptoms that should catch your attention and stir your Lenten repentance:
Spitefulness – wishing pain and suffering upon the one you begrudge. And resentfulness – believing you’ll benefit by exacting revenge, which just happens to be the No. 1 fantasy dominating your thoughts.
Also arrogance – truly believing others are plotting against you, which triggers your destructive actions that damage property, shatter relationships, or thoughtlessly cause physical, psychological, or emotional harm to the other.
And lest we forget, pessimism – harboring resentment against the many, which warps your personality, stirs your cynicism, and eventually corrodes your body, heart, mind, soul, and spirit.
Finding healing balm for your grudges and their chronic symptoms starts with a riff on the Mr. Rodgers of childhood, “Look for the helpers.” Or greater still, help another seize hold of calm assurance.
Find a trusted friend, colleague, or professional to help work through your hurt. Grieve, cry, and mourn together; let it all out. Becoming upset sometimes marks the start of healing, so embrace it when it feels like it’ll eventually produce fruit of the Holy Spirit: Love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. “Against such things exists no law!”
Or take responsibility for something you regret or deny doing. Perhaps your trust was misplaced; your decision-making lax. Your judgment too swift and harsh. Stuff happens. And when stuff does happen, learn from your mistakes with honest, intentional reflection about the events that unfolded. Ponder these things! Make time to think through what happened, and consider your role in events that unfolded.
A trusted friend, colleague, or professional will tell it to you straight. And maybe what more of us need to hear boils down to two words: Move on! Waste not your time ruminating and obsessing. Let go of what you can’t control. Put the past behind you and focus on living in the moment. You’ll feel better and may live longer to boot!
The great mystics of the Church deemed it living a “contemplative” life. So be not afraid if “living in the moment” sounds a little too new-agey. Christians have been living contemplatively in the moment for centuries.
Somewhere in all that, I believe, is the answer to the burning question of our day: “How to Save a Sad, Lonely, Angry and Mean Society.”
So, please accept the Creator’s invitation to enter faithfully into those profoundly emotional moments of fracture and redemption. For indeed, holding a grudge never ends well, and by the Lord’s arithmetic – 70 times seven, you need to let it go. Ancient words, ever true!
Listen to the Word that God has spoken. Listen even if you don’t understand.
Pastor Grant M. VanderVelden shared this message on the Fourth Sunday of Lent, March 10, 2024, at First Prebyterian Church in Waukon, Iowa, USA. Material from Psychology Today informs the message.