The anguished conversations all begin with an eerily similar lament from a heartbroken parent: “Tyler (or Natalie) used to be such a good kid. I just don’t know what went wrong.”
It’s a new era for parents and their young adult children. The baton-pass from one generation to the next is taking longer than it once did. Those markers of adulthood – completing an education, finding a job, starting a career; living independently, finding a life partner, and becoming a parent – aren’t as linear, neat, and tidy as once thought.
Young adulthood now is markedly different from the lived experience of many parents – and maybe so also grandparents. And thus begin the volleys of the blame game: An accusatory “What’s wrong with you?” is countered with a terse “My parents just don’t understand!” A recent chat with an understandably anxious 20-something proved eye-opening.
“You guys wonder why we’re so stressed?” said the young man, answering my question with a question.
“For starters, there was 9/11. We watched thousands of people die on TV every hour on the hour. Then, we got to practice active-shooter drills in our supposedly safe schools. Afterward, we’d get back to class and watch videos of polar bears dying from climate change. Then the economy collapsed – more than once. Then came Charlottesville. And ‘fake news.’ And Covid. Get the picture?”
My conversation partner cut to the quick: “If we’d known the headlines really meant ‘Your future will get worse – way worse,’ maybe then we’d have been better prepared. It’s a lot harder than it used to be.”
No, the kids are not alright – nor are their parents.
From the platform of home, as she watches her daughter’s life fly off the rails soon after leaving the station, a worried mother questions her parenting and bright-sides Tiffany’s life struggles with promises of things getting better. At mom’s side, an angry father, who in his estimation provided more for his son than he ever got from his dad, faults “not growing up” for the trainwreck of Oliver’s young adult life. Father fumes with full throat: “His whole generation is a bunch of ‘snowflakes’ who go from one ‘trigger warning’ to the next.”
And so it goes for all the family contestants. In the game of life, everyone is rolling weighted dice of broken promises, outdated expectations, and anemic measures. No doubt, the rules have changed in times as broken and fearful as ours.
Thus a verse from last Sunday’s service perhaps stirs some understanding. None other than Jesus, in the Gospel of Mark, uses images of seed-sowing to explain how the Word of God comes upon the human spirit. For some on path the where the God’s Word is sown, folks hear the Word, but evil “immediately comes and takes away the word that is sown in them.” Here’s how the whole scene plays out.
Indeed, as we proclaimed earlier, the psalmist got it right: It pleases God to make us strong. (Psalm 89:17) It pleases God to restore, support, strengthen, and establish you.
And with all that grace comes the courage to sow the seeds of God’s Word of hope and assurance by moving from talking to listening, from correcting to responding, from rendering judgment to extending compassion, from offering unsolicited advice to becoming a safe sounding board. In that, for me anyway, lies a path toward redeeming the world. To riff on a phrase that’s all the rage, “When we listen, we win.” As it turns out, learning to listen is a rising tide that floats all boats.
Because here’s the thing: A single story told from only one generation’s perspective is polarizing and precludes understanding another’s experience. Combining perspectives, folding in valid-but-incomplete realities, writes a stronger, truer narrative that invites regulation of reaction, builds resilience to ambiguity, asks better questions, and freshens possibilities for healing ways forward.
No, not every problem is yours to solve. But every story is yours to hear. In your listening, you join Father, Son, and Spirit in heaven’s work of restoring, supporting, and strengthening friend, neighbor, and stranger. In your listening, you fend off the evil that’s ever-trying to suffocate the living, breathing Word of the Lord that longs to abide in the hearts of both speaker and listener.
Ask not in righteous indignation “What’s wrong with you?” but instead nurture the seeds of fruitful empathy with a heartfelt question: “What happened to you?” That certainly would be a breath of fresh air.
Yes, our children are wrestling with plenty of challenges, but they’re still good kids. After all, no matter how tenaciously evil tries to steal away what God has sown, our kids nonetheless bear the image and likeness of the One who created them, the One who knows them by name.
Amen, and amen.
Pastor Grant M. VanderVelden shared this message during worship on Sunday, September 8, 2024. Scholarship by doctors B. Janet Hibbs and Anthony Rostain inform the message. The video clip comes from the LUMO movie The Gospel of Mark.